I have been working on the questions for the Woman's Bible Study at C3 and this weeks study is on being scared. I know that most woman struggle with fear, worry & anxiety in some way or another and I am no exception! I think I can safely say that as a Cancer Mom FEAR is where I have a tendency to get "stuck". When Halie was diagnosed with a rare form of childhood cancer two years ago I didn't lose my faith or get angry, God became more precious to me during those years in the battle than I ever dreamed possible. He became my life, breath and my hope in ways I never knew before and His compassionate love covered me in ways I will never truly understand this side of heaven & I am forever grateful! But, my life has been forever changed by Cancer..... during those days, months and the years that have now followed God has been so very gracious to our family as we have a healthy and vibrant 5 year old daughter and Chemo, Radiation, Surgery, Stem cell Transplant & Immunotherapy are all a part of our past ... we pray..... Her cancer is truly a beast and fear of relapse is always lingering. We scan every 4 months now and by the Grace of God she has been No Evidence of Disease for over a year but we are far from being on the other side of Cancer. For the next 4 years we will scan, take blood and watch.... always watching.....
This precious child who now runs and plays and is enjoying Kindergarten..... looking at her you would never know all she has gone through if you didn't see her scars....
Scars.... I have been thinking on this thought a lot lately. I was giving Halie a bath the other day and I realized there is not a day that I am not reminded of her battle with Cancer. The scar on her neck where we biopsied the first tumor, the scar in her chest where her central line was placed and the scar that runs completely across her abdomen where with skilled hands her surgeon removed a tumor the size of her daddy's fist. Her body will forever bear the scars of her battle with Cancer until Christ returns and gives her a glorified body! ( you see one day her body will be flawless yet Christ our Saviors body will forever for all eternity bear the scars of Calvary!) The incarnate son who forever took a beating heart will forever bear the marks of his battle for our souls! "see the depths of his love in the wounds of His grace, Hide away in the love of Jesus!!!!" I am in awe! complete awe!!! Thank you Jesus!
I also have been thinking about the hidden scars. The ones I have hidden deep in my soul. The scars that hide the pain when a child we love dies from this horrible disease, The grief that breaks my heart as I sit with a Mom who has lost her child and wonders why? the fear of relapse... fears, so many fears.... Job 3 says that " for the thing that I fear comes upon me and what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest, but trouble comes." To say that I mustered up the strength to get through the following days, months and years after her diagnosis would be a lie. God knocked all my props out from under me and I learned to trust him only him, not in his gifts as wonderful as they are but Him. I knew (know) we have no promise of an easy life.... My scars are not visible. They are hidden beneath a wounded smile when my daughter complains of a mysterious ache or pain. when she is whiny or clingy and wants to be held. The fears that lurk in my mind are ever present - ever real.
The Lord knows the depth of my struggle that I am an idolater that loves His gifts more than Him at times and I constantly need to be reminded that I will never have the peace (the freedom from fear) this side of heaven as long as I continue to look to anything besides Him to satisfy my soul. I will be restless until I remember that what I long for can only be satisfied in Him. Not in anything else no matter how good that thing is. True freedom lies in focusing on Jesus! You see the gospel, the fact that Jesus as God became Man and led a sinless life, died on a cross for our sins and three days later rose again forever breaking the bonds of death-- affects my life today because when I am afraid I don't need reassurance that all is well. (because that is fleeting) what I need is Jesus! Christ says Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” What we need to remember dear friends when we are afraid is the Gospel. Elyse Fitzpatrick says that he has done everything possible to clear the path for you .... run to him!!!! His love is unconditional! He's not worried about you cleaning yourself up (getting it together) before you come to Him. Run to him like a child runs to his Father....
Beloved you don't have to wait until you have it all together! Run to him! When we focus on Him --- Freedom from fear (sin) will become easy because the idols that used to draw us away from him will have lost their power!
Thank you Jesus!
Father, Help me not to be anxious to see too far in front, nor careful about the next step, not eager to choose the path, nor weighted with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but help me to quietly follow behind you , the Shepherd, one step at a time. Right now while dangers are nigh! and the fears in my mind are shaking and my heart seems to dread what life may hold in store; help me to remember that We are Yours--You know the way we're taking, When doubts cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me, comfort me that your word only YOU Father can strengthen & restore, And never let me forget that You GO BEFORE US. AMEN
God used this devotion to minister to my heart last year when we were rescanning Halie when we thought she had relapsed. ( she had a bone scan that lit up in her legs.) It encouraged my heart then and once again this week! I wanted to share!
Streams In
the Desert
Put Forth
Put Forth
"He
putteth forth his own sheep" (John10:4).
Oh, this
is bitter work for Him and us--bitter for us to go, but equally bitter for Him
to cause us pain; yet it must be done. It would not be conducive to our true
welfare to stay always in one happy and comfortable lot. He therefore puts us
forth. The fold is deserted, that the sheep may wander over the bracing mountain
slope. The laborers must be thrust out into the harvest, else the golden grain
would spoil.
Take
heart! it could not be better to stay when He determines otherwise; and if the
loving hand of our Lord puts us forth, it must be well. On, in His name, to
green pastures and still waters and mountain heights! He goeth before thee.
Whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him. Faith's eye can always discern
His majestic presence in front; and when that cannot be seen, it is dangerous to
move forward. Bind this comfort to your heart, that the Savior has tried for
Himself all the experiences through which He asks you to pass; and He would not
ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that they were not too difficult
for your feet, or too trying for your
strength.
This is
the Blessed Life--not anxious to see far in front, nor careful about the next
step, not eager to choose the path, nor weighted with the heavy responsibilities
of the future, but quietly following behind the Shepherd, one step at a
time.
Dark is
the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow Dark is life's way, for night is not yet
o'er; The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow; But, this I know, HE
GOETH ON BEFORE.
Dangers are nigh! and fears my mind are
shaking; Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store; But I am
His--He knows the way I'm taking, More blessed still--HE GOETH ON
BEFORE.
Doubts
cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me, Doubts that life's best--life's
choicest things are o'er; What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me, And
this blest fact; that still HE GOES BEFORE.
HE GOES
BEFORE! Be this my consolation! He goes before! On this my heart would dwell! He
goes before! This guarantees salvation! HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is
well. --J. D. Smith
***
The
Oriental shepherd was always ahead of his sheep. He was down in front. Any
attack upon them had to take him into account. Now God is down in front. He is
in the tomorrows. It is tomorrow that fills men with dread. God is there
already. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass Him before they can get to
us. --F. B. M.
***
"God is
in every tomorrow,
Therefore I live for
today,
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for the way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain."
Certain of finding at sunrise,
Guidance and strength for the way;
Power for each moment of weakness,
Hope for each moment of pain,
Comfort for every sorrow,
Sunshine and joy after rain."
